You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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