theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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