I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
