How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
