I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
