Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
