Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i love accidental penises.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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