Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
