4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I can text with my tongue
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
