i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
