Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
