can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
