just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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