weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
