Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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