Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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