Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
