I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If its not for food we ain't going out.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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