I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
