I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
