Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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