I skipped work to stalk him.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
