What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
