Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
