Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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