I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
handjob tips. give me some.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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