I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
