So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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