You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Actions speak louder than pants.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
