So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
