I puked a lego.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
