But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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