I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
wow bdsm is so cute
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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