I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
