I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
