i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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