she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
