Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You smell like stripper and shame
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Those nachos came to me in a dream
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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