She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
