Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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