My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
