We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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