just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
