im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My cat gives me a boner
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
