he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
