Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
