Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
