booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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