If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
