I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
