I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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