I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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