During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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